


La vie sans toi

by kjavdekar



Category: The Flash (TV 2014), The Flash - All Media Types
Genre: Aftermath, Alternate Timelines, F/M, Heart-to-Heart, Pain, Realization
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-28
Updated: 2016-06-23
Packaged: 2018-07-10 18:13:10
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 6,633
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6999118
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kjavdekar/pseuds/kjavdekar
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Barry deals with the aftermath of his decision to go back and save his mother.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. What have I done?

**Author's Note:**

> Set after Season 2 Finale.

_“I love you too….and I always will”_

Iris smiled and then got up and went back inside. 

A million thoughts were running through Barry’s mind, thoughts about the events of the last few hours and how he felt like it was all a dream because it was just that horrible. In the past few hours he lost his dad, and found out his dad’s Earth 2 doppleganger was the real Jay Garrick. Meaning he might have been related to Zoom. How was he supposed to accept this when his father was killed not a day earlier? The pain in his heart wouldn’t go away, it was like the sound of a drum that wouldn’t stop beating even when you were hungover and had nothing left. 

Nothing made sense to him in that moment, nothing. The only thing that ever made sense was Iris, and his love for her. She always seemed to be the constant in his life, and his undying love for her would never change. But nothing could dull the pain and hollowness he felt. All he could think about was going back, back to when his mom died and changing his future. 

He stood up and looked through the glass, his heart was broken, and now he was going to break hers. Iris West. The person he would do absolutely anything in the world for, the one who just told him she would wait for him until he was ready, but he had to do it. He needed to find peace for the sake of his own sanity and those around him. Or so he thought. 

_“That’s why I’m so sorry, but I have to do this.”_

And just like that, Barry was gone. Back in time to the night his mother was killed. He grabbed The Reverse Flash and pinned him against the wall, beating him until he was no longer breathing. _“You are not going to kill her ever again”_ he  raged as he watched his future self fade away. He knelt down to his mother and whispered _“You’re safe now”_

\- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 

The next morning Barry woke up in a haze trying to recall the events of the day before. Had he really gone back in time and changed everything? What Zoom really dead? Were his parents alive? Well he was about to find out. 

He rubbed his eyes awake when he heard a voice. A very family voice call his name. 

“Mom?” 

His mother appeared at his door “Morning sleepy head, rough night?” 

Barry was in shock. His mother was alive and standing in his doorway.. Was he in the speed force again? He wondered rubbing his jaw. “Umm, I guess you could say that” 

“Aww sorry love, at least it’s Saturday so you won’t have to rush to work or anything.” 

“Yeah” he agreed rubbing the back of his neck 

“Do you want to join your father and I for lunch at Jitters or would you rather go see your friends?” 

“Dad?” his smile grew 

“Yea, dad you know the one I’m married to” she laughed 

“Right” he nodded 

“He made pancakes and eggs if you want breakfast speedy.” 

Barry chuckled it was nice to know some things were still the same. “Sure, thanks mom, I’ll be right down”

He brushed his teeth and ran downstairs. “Morning slugger!” Henry called.

Without even thinking Barry embraced him in a death grip and wouldn’t let go. “Dad.”

Henry stepped back a little but welcomed the hug. “Everything okay Barry?”

“It’s fine” he cried “Just missed you”

“Missed you too buddy, it’s only been like 12 hours though.” he laughed

“Feels like it's been much longer” he admitted finally letting go and taking a seat at the table. Henry let Barry grab a plate and eat in silence for a few minutes. “So how was crime fighting last night”

He smiled “It was great dad. It was great.” and in all honesty it was. He couldn’t be more thrilled with his parents being alive and sitting down to breakfast with them. 

“You okay sweetie? You seem a little off today.” 

“I’m fine. Just uh-a rough night” 

She smiled. “So lunch at Jitters?” she asked again

“Oh, um no that’s okay I’m going to see what Iris is up to”

His mom looked at him funny. “What?” he asked 

“Who’s Iris?” 

Barry laughed for a second “What do you mean who’s Iris? Iris West, my best friend, the one I’ve been friends with since I was 5? Ring a bell?”

Nora took a step back. “I’m sorry honey but I have no idea who Iris is. You’ve never mentioned her before.”  

“You’re kidding right?” he hoped

Nora paused seeing it was bothering him. “I’m sorry sweetie but I really don’t remember you ever mentioning her name.”

Barry’s face went ashen as he tried to put the pieces together. What had he done? He ran upstairs and showered in nearly 15 seconds. “Oh um, maybe I forgot to mention her” he tried to play off. “Anyways I’ll be out, don’t wait up” he kissed her on the cheek before exiting the door. 

“Have a good….never mind” Nora finished shaking her head. 

Barry raced to Jitters and stood outside the door as his eyes scanned for Iris. His face lit up when he caught a glimpse of her standing with someone smiling. He couldn’t make out who it was but he was just so happy it was Iris. _His Iris._

He moved swiftly through the crowd until hovered behind her waiting for her to turn around. “Iris!” he beamed. Pulling her in for a hug. “God I missed you!” But Iris remained tense as she pushed him away. “Umm, sorry do I know you?” she asked. “Very funny Iris. You’ve known me since we were 5.” he smiled. 

Iris gave her husband a look. “I’m afraid you’re mistaken. I don’t remember you.”

Barry’s smile dropped into his stomach. What the hell had he done? “You’re Iris West right? You work at CCPN as a reporter. Your dad is Joe West, and your brother’s name is Wally.” he inquired 

Iris took a step back just staring at him like _how do you know so much about me yet I don’t even know your name._ “Y-yes she stammered. But, how do you know all that when I don’t even know your name.”

He took a step back trying to regain his thoughts. He took her hand in his and pulled her to him as he cupped her face. “Iris, baby It’s me... Barry.” he stammered as his voice cracked.

Iris yanked her hand away from him so fast he felt all the blood from his face drain. “Look ‘Barry’ I don’t know who you are and I’m certainly not your baby. I’m sorry but you are mistaken. That’s my husband over there” she turned pointing to the man standing not 10 feet away. 

Barry stood there in shock. Every feeling of happiness leaving his body. Immediately backing away. “Husband?” he whispered. 

“Yes. I’m-i’m sorry Barry. I hope you find who you are looking for” she sympathized as she walked away. 


	2. Answers

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Barry remained still as he felt his heart break. Had going back to save his mother really changed everything so much that Iris didn’t even know who he was? He clutched his heart nearly falling backwards into someone else.
> 
> “S-sorry” he stuttered
> 
> How could he have been so selfish he thought. He was desperate to figure out what else had changed.

Barry remained still as he felt his heart break. Had going back to save his mother really changed everything so much that Iris didn’t even know who he was? He clutched his heart nearly falling backwards into someone else.

“S-sorry” he stuttered

How could he have been so selfish he thought. He was desperate to figure out what else had changed.

Barry sped to S.T.A.R. labs and found himself outside the cortex. Everything still looked the same so that was a relief.

"Good Morning Mr.Allen"

Barry turned to see Dr Wells rolling towards him still in his wheelchair. "Uh Morning, Dr. Wells"

"You okay Allen? You seem a bit off"

"Didn't sleep much I guess"

Ah he nodded.

"So why are you back to using a wheelchair?" he asks softly trying to figure out if he's Thawne

"I'm sorry?" he mutters

"Oh um, never mind" he corrects, "S-sorry"

"Anything new on the meta-human front?" Barry asked curious to see who they were currently after

"No, it's been pretty quiet. But if we have learned anything that means something big is coming our way" he smirked

_Right._

"Do you know where Cisco is?"

"Think he's in the cortex with Ms.Snow"

Just as he was about to call Cisco’s name he saw Caitlin come in from the other room and kiss him. He kissed her back and they moved into each other for a few seconds. Barry just took there in shock. He tried backing away quietly but Cisco heard him.

“Hey Barry” he jumped

Caitlin chuckled as she wiped her lipstick off Cisco’s mouth. “Sorry Barry, we didn’t hear you flash in”

Barry just stared at them, dumbfounded. “Uhh sorry I should have knocked.”

“Yeah like you’ve never seen us kiss before” Cisco laughed

Barry let out a nervous laugh. “Actually I haven’t. How long has this been going on?”

Cisco and Caitlin gave him a look. “You okay man?”

“Not really. What happened to Jay, Cait?”

“Who?” she asked

“Jay Garrick well we knew him as Zoom”

“I don’t know who that is Barry. Cisco and I have been together for almost a year now”

Right he nodded rubbing his neck.

“You okay man?”

He shook his head. “No guys I’m not. Can we talk?”

Cisco and Cait broke apart giving him their undivided attention.

Barry didn’t even know where to begin. He rubbed the back of his neck and tried to form his thoughts. “Uh-so I feel a little disoriented. Do you mind catching me up on current events?”

Caitlin would have thought more about it if Barry hadn't been mind controlled last night by the crazy meta they defeated. She smiled sweetly and began “Well we just defeated a meta yesterday that Cisco named “Accio” after Harry Potter she smirked. You know the one that used his mind control to get people to do horrible things to each other."

"Mmm, glad we defeated him" he smiled

“And Dr. Wells is um, how long has he been in that wheelchair?” he fished

“Since the particle accelerator blew up...why?”

"And you haven't seen him try to walk or anything crazy?"

"No. He can't walk Barry, he's half paralyzed remember?"

Barry wanted to press the matter but he really only cared about one question

"Do you guys know who Iris West is?” he blurted out

Of course, Cait said. She’s that reporter for CCPN. Why?

“That’s not all she is.” he gritted

“What do you mean?” they asked

“Okay look, I know this isn’t going to make any sense but-yesterday I traveled back in time from an alternate reality in which everything is different.”

They gave each other a look of concern.

“I know it sounds crazy but in that world, my mother was killed when I was 11, I went to go live with Joe and Iris West. I grew up with them, and when I became The Flash I was in a coma for 9 months, and Iris came to see me everyday.”

“We remember the coma for 9 months, but I’m sorry Barry the only people that came to visit you were your parents.”

“She’s my best friend and the love of my life, and today when I saw her, she didn’t even know who I was”  he finished letting out a painful sigh

Cisco didn’t seemed as shocked by this as Caitlin did, but that’s because Cisco had visions that allowed him to see into the future, so an alternate reality wasn’t the craziest thing. Cisco took a seat and paused “So, why did you come back?”

Barry felt the blood drain from his face. He should have said that he came back to save his parents, but now, with this version of reality where Iris didn’t even know who he was? He honestly didn’t know. Of course he was happy to see his parents and to have “grown up” with them, but at what cost? Everything he had affected, all the lives he had changed, was it really worth it? He was about to find out.

“I-I came back because in my reality, Zoom just killed my father, in the same place that my mother was murdered and made me an orphan.” he stuttered as he choked back tears remembering that night."I defeated him by creating a time remnant when we raced to save the multi-verse, and he's dead now but the pain wont go away. It just never stops, and I thought that maybe if I went back in time it would fix it. That saving my parents would undo this empty feeling inside of me, but Iris not knowing who I am is more painful than all of this...." he broke down nearly falling to the ground, burying his face in his hands

“We’re so sorry Barry” they said as the hovered around him to rub his back

"You should have seen the way she looked at me. She looked through me Cisco. Like every moment we ever shared was nothing to her..."

Cisco was at a loss for words, he didn't know who Iris was but seeing Barry like this was breaking his heart. "I'm so sorry man"

“Don’t be. This is all my fault, no one else. I, I need to live with my choices. As painful as they may be, I was selfish and this is what happens when you are selfish. I’ll see you guys later, I need to go clear my head”

“See y…nevermind” Barry was already gone


	3. Consequences

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Barry right?” she asked
> 
> “Mhm”
> 
> “Barry I’d like you to meet my husband Nathan Evans. Nathan this is Barry….uh”
> 
> “Allen” he finished reaching out his hand to shake his. Nathan was 6’2, had dark hair and piercing blue eyes and broad shoulders.
> 
> “S-sorry about the other day, I thought she was someone else”

Barry exited the cortex before Cait even finished her sentence, and ran. As fast and as far as his body would take him, trying to dull the pain of the last few days, but no matter how fast he ran, he could never outrun it. The feeling of emptiness that filled his heart and the pain that would never defen pierced him like a knife, it was only the beginning, and he had no one to blame but himself.

He stopped at the edge of a cliff overlooking the horizon and sat down. The sun peaked over just enough to turn the sky into a orange red sunset that stilled his soul. He reminisced about the last time he was at a cliff when they were working on his speed. What he would give to go back to that reality. His old reality in which everything was broken but together at the same time. But he came back for a reason and he owed it to his own peace of mind to give it a chance.

Moments later he found himself outside Jitters looking through the glass at his parents. They were both alive and standing in line, now seemed a good of a time as any to “get to know them”.

“Hey mom-dad” he said pulling them into his embrace

“Afternoon sweetheart. I thought you weren’t joining us for lunch? She asked. Not that I’m complaining, I’ll take your company any day” she smiled stroking his face with her thumb

“Yeah, things didn’t go as planned” he shrugged trying to hide his pain

“Well we are happy to have you, it's so rare that we get to see our baby boy” she said

Barry smiled. It had been so long since his mom had called him that, it felt familiar. As soon as they ordered and found a table Barry launched into a series of questions about their life, jobs, hobbies, likes, dislikes, family, and anything else he could think of. Nora and Henry just stared at him, completely dumbfounded but they answered his questions without hesitation. This continued throughout lunch but when Barry saw Iris walk in with her husband, he couldn’t blink the tears away fast enough.

“Honey what's wrong?”

“Nothing. Just, tired” he brushed off. But Henry caught a glimpse of what he was staring at and he knew.

“Is that Iris?”

Barry nodded silently as he dropped his head to avoid seeing them interact.

“So you say you knew this girl?”

“Better than I knew myself.” he sighed

“And she doesn’t remember you at all?”

“It’s as if I never existed”

Nora wiped away the tears that fell down his cheek and asked softly “Tell us about her”

Barry took a deep breath “It doesn’t matter, she doesn’t remember any of it”

“But you do Barr. And that’s what matters to us.” Nora said holding his hand. “Please tell us about her”

He let out a small smile as he gathered his thoughts... “She’s my best friend, he began. We’ve been best friends since we were 5 years old. Since the first day of kindergarten. I still remember the first day I saw her. It was a sunny day in August and she wore this cute purple and yellow flowered dress that made my heart flutter. He grinned remembering it as though it were yesterday. I remember the way her big brown eyes stared at me. And then she introduced herself to me and I was done. We had instant chemistry. I mean, I don’t remember a time when I was friends with anyone else but her. We did everything together, shared every secret, every big moment, Christmases, birthdays, prom, and quietly without even knowing it I fell in love with her.”

Nora couldn’t help but tear up. She may not have known who Iris was but she had no doubt in her mind that Barry loved her. And loved her deeply.

“Have you told her how you feel?”

“I did” he nodded

“And?”

“she loved me back.” He smiled briefly until his mistake hit him all over again and he began to cry.

“I don’t understand Barr. She loved you back, that’s good right?”

He nodded “Yeah it was. For a moment I had everything...and then I- I ruined it all”

“What do you mean Barr?”

“It doesn’t matter guys, I can’t change it, and thinking about it is just making me miserable.”

Nora and Henry gave each other a look but decided not to press the matter.

“Barr would you mind getting us some to go boxes?” Nora asked

“Sure thing”

He got up and walked over to where Iris and her husband were, trying to avoid eye contact at all costs. He kept his distance but caught a little bit of their conversation

_“So when are you leaving baby?” she asked  
_

_“Tomorrow night. Coach wants us in LA for 2-a-days starting Wednesday. It’s going to be one hell of a season”_

_“Mmm, yes it is.” she sighed_

_“I just hope I don’t get injured again like last season”_

_Iris took his face in her hands like she had done to Barry all those times and whispered “Well that's not going to happen because my man is a fighter. Isn’t he?” she asked moving into him and giving him a kiss_

_“Yes baby” he whispered kissing her back with ferocious passion_

Barry looked away so fast he almost got whiplash. It was bad enough seeing Iris kiss Eddie but this was worse. Because now, he knew what it was like to kiss Iris. To feel her soft lips on his and have her kiss him back and know that she loved him the same way. Or did love him that way.

_"Just think of me when you get nervous. I will always be there for you."_

_"I know you are, its one of the many things I love about you Iris."_

_"Mmm, I love you too husband" planting a quick kiss on his lips_

Barry's heart sank but he played on his phone pretending not to hear anything. This worked out for a few brief seconds until Iris turned right into him.

“Oh my gosh, I’m so sorry” she apologized looking up to find him avoiding her gaze

“No problem” he muttered but he couldn’t get away fast enough

“Barry right?” she asked

“Mhm”

“Barry I’d like you to meet my husband Nathan Evans. Nathan this is Barry….uh”

“Allen” he finished reaching out his hand to shake his. Nathan was 6’2, had dark hair and piercing blue eyes and broad shoulders.

“S-sorry about the other day, I thought she was someone else”

“No worries man, it happens. Especially when not many people know we are married” he assured letting out a small smile

“So what do you do Barry?” Iris asked

“I’m a CSI for the CCPD and I work for Dr. Wells at S.T.A.R. labs.”

“That sounds fun”

“It has its moments” he smiled

“What do you do Nathan?” his name dripping with disdain from Barry’s lips

“I’m a Basketball player for the LA Clippers”

Barry’s eyes grew wide like a fan boy meeting his favorite player for the first time. “For real? That’s dope”

“Yeah haha, I love it, but it’s hard being away from Iris”

“I can imagine” he whispered softly

Barry couldn’t really fault Iris for marrying this guy. Hell he was an amazing player and Barry was in awe.

“Well listen man if you are ever free let me know I’ll get you some seats for a game”

“That is very kind of you, but I don’t think I’ll be in this City for much longer” he hoped

Iris grew sad at the thought of this. Here was this guy standing in front of her, not her husband might I add, but the idea of him leaving made her sad and she didn’t know why.

“Oh. Well it was nice meeting you Barr-Barry” she finished distracted by the waitress calling up her

His heart fluttered briefly at the thought of her calling him “Bear” again.  

“Nice meeting you too Iris, I mean Mrs.Evans” he stuttered out before walking away…

He returned to the table with to-go boxes and let out a sigh.

“Everything all right slugger?”

“No dad it's not.” he replied almost immediately. “But it will be…”

He didn’t know how, and he didn’t know when, but he was going to find his way back. He had to find his way back, to Iris, **_his Iris._**


	4. Réalité alternative

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He sped back to the Cortex faster than he could vibrate and slid into the room. Cisco and Wells were working on some equation to find a way back and appeared to be on the brink of something.
> 
> “What if we harness the speed from Earth 3?” Wells suggested
> 
> “Okay yeah! That’s a great idea, except we have no one from Earth 3 here” Cisco scoffed
> 
> “We don’t need an actual person, we just need Barry’s speed to be fast enough” he rebutted

“Barry?” Cisco asked nudging his shoulder

Barry’s eyes fluttered open briefly to gain perspective of his surrounds. He saw Cisco and sat up.

_“Cisco?” “What happened?”_

“Not sure, Cait and I just walked in ourselves, and we saw you lying on the Cortex floor. You okay man? You’ve been acting so weird lately”

Barry felt his cheeks burn up. “Yeah I’m fine, I mean I’m not really, but hopefully soon, with your help?”

“What do you need?” he smiled perking his ears up

“We need to find a way back Cisco. Back to my reality. It was such a mistake to come back, I feel so selfish and stupid...I...I can’t even begin to say how sorry I am”

Cait rubbed Barry’s shoulders. “Look Barry, I don’t know what has you feeling like you have been selfish but you are the least selfish person I have ever met.”

Barry let out a smile but was still unconvinced.

“I mean look at what you do everyday, risking _your_ life to save others. Putting their needs ahead of your own, saving people you don’t even know. I mean I am not saying that trying to go back in time was a smart decision but stop beating yourself up over wanting something for once in your life. Please, it isn’t healthy”

“Alright” he finally agreed “But I do need to find a way back. I can’t be without Iris, I just can’t” he broke

“I’m sure we will think of something” Cisco winked “We always do”

* * * * * * *

Hours passed into days and they still hadn’t come up with anything. Barry was starting to settle into his new ‘life’ and getting use to having his parents around. But nothing could dull the pain of Iris. Not the dozens of lives he saved everyday, not the superhero feeling of the countless _“Thank you, Flash’s,”_ not even having dinner with his parents everyday. Iris was more of him than he had ever let himself believe. All those years of shutting out his feelings was catching up to him. All the moments he erased between them, the conversations, the subtle looks that made him feel whole, that kiss, that _I love you Barry_...god what he would do to get them back. Forget the moments, what he would give for Iris to remember who he was…

He sat at his lab desk thinking about this and his eyes couldn’t help but flood with tears. Enough was enough. Enough feeling sorry for himself, enough putting on a fake smile, enough moments without her. He had been without her for 30 days now and he wouldn’t wait a day longer. He was going back, **_today._ **

* * * * * * *

He sped back to the Cortex faster than he could vibrate and slid into the room. Cisco and Wells were working on some equation to find a way back and appeared to be on the brink of something.

“What if we harness the speed from Earth 3?” Wells suggested

“Okay yeah! That’s a great idea, except we have no one from Earth 3 here” Cisco scoffed

“We don’t need an actual person, we just need Barry’s speed to be fast enough” he rebutted

“How fast would I need to run?” Barry interjected

“Mock 3 Barry. You would need to go mock 3.” Cisco replied as if completely aware he had been listening. “Think you can do that?”

“ _For Iris_. I can do anything” he grinned

Cisco put his hand on Barry’s shoulder. “Alright man, let's get you home”

Barry let out a genuine smile for the first time in a month, and his heart skipped. “But first, I need to go do something…”

He found himself outside his house. His heart ached for what he had to do but it had to be done. He had to fix it, and this was the only way. His hands gripped the door handle and twisted as he pushed the door to his home open one last time.

“Hey slugger, how's it going?”

“I've been better. he shrugged. Where’s mom at? I need to talk to you guys” he said softly

"Uhh I'll get her. Nora honey, would you come down please? Your son needs to talk to us” he laughed

“Coming dear”

Nora glided down the stairs so gracefully he didn’t even hear her walk up. “Everything okay sweetie?” feeling the tension in the air.

“Are we in trouble?” she chuckled

“Can we be serious for a minute?” he choked out

Nora sat down next to Henry and took his hand. “Of course angel. What’s wrong?”

“I..I love you guys.” he started

“We love you too Bear. What’s going on? You are scaring us”

“First I need you guys to know that you have given me everything in life. You have been the best parents a kid could have ever dreamed of...and that’s why I’m so sorry I have to do this...”

Nora’s eyes filled with tears while Henry’s face became tight and defensive.

“I found a way back.” he whispered

“Back where?” they looked puzzled

“Back to my reality. To where I'm from. I'm sorry I didn't tell you guys sooner. A reality in which everything is different. And I can’t say too much about it because it could change what's already happened.”

“And what’s happened exactly?”

“What happened was I had an amazing life, and Iris and I were finally together but that wasn’t enough for me. She wasn’t enough for me at the time, and I have lived everyday since then with regret. I erased the best part of my life, giving up everything I had because I was selfish.”

“I don’t understand sweetheart….”

“It doesn’t matter mom. What matters is that you two know that I have lived every single day proud to be your son, and I always will be. I love you guys so much, and this is going to hurt like hell but I have to go back. I have to go back to Iris. I’m not myself without her.” he choked out as his eyes flood with tears

She tried to process what he was saying and tried not to ask too many questions. She didn’t understand completely but two things were clear to her; 1.The Barry standing in front of her was somehow not her son. And 2. the person he loved was in a different reality and he had to go to her. She got up and pulled him into her arms and sobbed.

She took his face in her hands “Barry my beautiful boy…

Barry looked down trying to fight the tears, but Nora demanded his eyes

“I didn’t know what it was but lately you haven’t been yourself. I have tried to ignore it but you haven’t been happy and as much as it will hurt to lose you I haven’t seen you smile in so long. But every time you say her name your face lights up and I don’t want you to lose that smile Bear. Because that smile...can change the world, so it's okay, I promise.”

“I love you so much mom, I’m so sorry”

“Don’t be sorry Barry, just go find your happiness, whatever it is, that's all we have ever wanted for you”

Barry hugged her squeezing her tighter than ever “Thanks mom”

He fought back the sobs as he hugged Henry. “Be safe slugger. And just know that no matter what happens, we will always be with you, in one way or another”

Barry smiled into his shoulder because for the first time he truly believed that. He pulled the door open one last time, shot a tearful smile back at his parents and was out the door.

He suited up and ran back to S.T.A.R. Labs as fast as his legs would go. Nostalgia washed over him at the thought of finally going home again.

“Ready man?”

“As ready as I’ll ever be!”

“Let’s do this!” Cisco nearly shouted

He placed one foot in front of the other and his palms to the hard ground.

“Remember Barry you need to get to mock 3, or else you can’t go back”

Barry nodded . _I’m coming Iris. I’m coming back to you..._

He took off as the air rushed passed him faster than the speed of sound, and the only thing he could hear was _“I love you Barry, come home to me.”_ Over and over again it played in his head like the song you never get tired of hearing. Iris’s voice called to him as he passed Mock 2, breaking the sound barrier and shattering all the glass in the building, but he couldn’t stop...the molecules vibrated in his ear as he passed mock 3, entering the speed force. Blowing past images of the future that awaited him ...

 _Their wedding, their pregnancy, and finally the twins jumping on their bed._ He ran faster and faster, feeling his heart beating a million times an hour, he closed his eyes remembering all the moments with his parents until the air stopped moving and the vibrations stopped. His eyes blinked open and he smiled. He found nostalgia all around him as he walked down his street again, the street that was home. In the distance he saw himself standing on the porch looking in through the window just before turning back. He nodded at his past self as it vanished into the air. _He was finally home._


	5. True North

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Iris I have to tell you something….”  
> Iris felt his hands turn to ice and she placed her other hand on his in an effort to relax him “Everything okay Bear?”  
> “ I-I went back in time Iris” he stammered letting out a sharp exhale  
> “Yeah, I know, to save your mom. But that was like a year ago, why is that bothering you?”  
> “Not a year ago, just 5 minutes ago. I went back again…” he paused to wait for her reaction but she just stood there completely befuddled

Barry practically busted through the front door

“Iris?” he called scanning the room quickly until their eyes met

“Bear?” she answered dumbfounded

“Say that again” he asked

“Bear?...”

He grinned as he walked swiftly in her direction and stopped just before her, taking her face in his hands. Before she even had time to react his lips found hers, hard. She felt her cheeks burn red and stilled from the shock, but only for a second until she willingly returned his kiss with as much hunger and desire. Barry kissed her deeply like he had been dying to ever since she asked him if he knew her. Iris pulled away breathless not because she wanted it to stop but she suddenly realized where she was.

“Easy Bear, we’re in the living room” she blushed

“Sorry” he blushed biting his lip. “It’s just been so long since I’ve touched your skin”

“Bear,  it’s been all of 5 minutes…”

“It feels like longer. He murmured looking down. Can we go talk please?”

“Of course” she whispered as she reached for his hand to lead him outside

Barry felt the cold air cut his skin like glass but that wasn’t nearly as painful as he was about to feel after he told her the truth. He had to, he promised her no more secrets but he didn’t know where to begin.

“Iris I have to tell you something….”

Iris felt his hands turn to ice and she placed her other hand on his in an effort to relax him “Everything okay Bear?”

“ I-I went back in time Iris” he stammered letting out a sharp exhale

“Yeah, I know, to save your mom. But that was like a year ago, why is that bothering you?”

“Not a year ago, just 5 minutes ago. I went back again…” he paused to wait for her reaction but she just stood there completely befuddled

“Wait what? H-how could you have time traveled in 5 minutes?”

“It doesn’t matter how I did it, but I need you to know how sorry I am.”

Iris was livid. “Sorry for what Barry? For implying that I’m not enough for you? For erasing everything we have ever shared? or that I wasn’t enough to keep you happy?” she cried

“Iris…I-I was just so broken after Zoom killed Henry that the thought of dragging you through my pain didn’t seem fair....and I thought the only thing that could fix this ache in my heart was to go back and save my mom.”

“And did it?” she asked fighting the tears, trying to hide her broken heart “Did it fix the ache?”

“No.”

“Hmm, imagine that.” she scoffed angrily

“Iris please…” he cried reaching for her hand

“Don’t touch me. She gritted. How dare you?! How dare you let me forget you Barry Allen! How could you think that I’d be okay without you for even a minute of my life? That all the moments we have shared would just vanish? That I wouldn’t even know you?” She broke.

“I’m sorry Iris, I’m just so sorry”

“You're sorry?! She screamed as she rolled her eyes. How could you do such a thing Barry? And now you’ve come back here to what, ask for my forgiveness?”

He looked up into her eyes hopeful

“I’m sorry Barry, but I can’t forgive you for this. How could you erase us again? And so easily? Did you even think twice before you did it? ...Or did you already know you were going to do it before I told you I loved you?”

“Iris…” he whispered in tears trying to pull her to him but she resisted

“No Barry. Please don’t. I got my answer.”

“I’m so sorry, baby. Please Iris. Please, you have to forgive me. I can’t stand that I hurt you and you have to know that the 30 days I was without you were the worst of my life. I promise you I will never make this mistake again, I’ve seen what my life’s like without you Iris and I don’t want it. Any of it. I would give up everything to be with you. I-I can’t live without you Iris, I’d rather die...”

“Barry!” she yelled sharply. As angry as she was, the thought of him dying broke her

“It’s true Iris. My life is nothing without you. I’m nothing without you. You will always be my true north, and without you I’m not me. I never was. Ever since we were kids I've loved you and I'm so sorry that I was about to erase us. I love you so much I can’t even breathe properly...I” he was at a loss of words. Nothing he wanted to say seemed good enough to deserve he forgiveness

Iris stayed quiet for a few moments before sighing...

“I want to believe you Barry, I do. But how do I know that you won’t just go erase us again? You erased every moment we ever had like it was nothing Barry. How could you do that? You left me all alone and didn't even think twice. How do you think that makes me feel?"

He wanted to answer but he kept his mouth shut

"I can’t imagine my life without you Barry, and I don’t want to try. But how can I trust you now?”

Barry's head lowered in guilt and shame. He slowly lifted his head and wrapped his arms around her waist pulling her close. She resisted at first but then caved into his warm touch.

“I was selfish and I know I hurt you Iris and I can’t apologize enough for that…but if you give me a chance I will spend the rest of my life proving to you that you are enough, that we are enough.”

Iris was still furious but she believed him. If there was anything she believed to be a constant in this world it was his love for her. He may have made a selfish, selfish decision but she loved him more than her anger and the thought of all their moments being erased was more than she could handle. But he was here now and she knew he was sorry.

“Okay…” she whispered as her fingers traced the lining of his shirt down to his waist. He leaned into her but she gently pushed him back and looked into his eyes “But if you EVER erase us again it will be the last thing you do Bartholomew”

“Yes baby” he nodded trying not to smile at her threat.

“Don’t call me that if you don’t mean it Bear. Please. I can't lose you.”

“I do Iris, I mean it with everything inside me. Falling in love with you was the best thing that has ever happened to me, and I will never forget that again” He gently traced her face with his thumb and pulled her into his embrace. As soon as her head hit his chest she cried hysterically “I love you so much Bear”

He hugged her tighter than ever “I love you too Iris, more than you will ever know. Please don’t cry, I’m so sorry”

Iris stopped crying long enough to look up into his eyes “Promise me you will never leave me. She whispered. I can’t live without you, I won’t live without, ever again. Do you understand me?”

He nodded as quickly as he could

“I won’t let this be our last moment, our last conversation, our last kiss, I just can’t- you are my everything Bear, my best friend and my soulmate, I don't want that with anyone else-I”

Barry took her face in his hands “Iris my love, how can I tell you convincingly. I will never take another moment away from you, from us. I swear to you baby-you are my life now-I-I want everything with you and only you and I know that no matter how bad things get, loving you will always bring me home.”

That was all Iris needed she bounced onto her toes and kissed him, her anger and tears melting away into perpetual bliss, **_forever._**

 


End file.
